Michael Moore on Florida — “Truly a Scary Place”
Appeals for UN (and Jimmy Carter) to Intervene

To: Secretary General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan
From: Michael Moore, citizen

Dear Mr. Secretary General:

Help us! Massive election fraud is taking place in an area that looks like a banana republic — but is actually part of the United States of America! We are sitting here helpless as our leaders appear unable to do anything about this stolen election.

On behalf of freedom-loving people everywhere, I appeal to the world community and the United Nations for immediate intervention.

There is ample evidence to indicate that the votes of thousands of our citizens were not counted or, worse, were given to a man who has a sister named “Bay.” Further evidence also shows that hundreds of African American voters were simply not allowed to vote.

I ask that you appoint humanitarian ambassador/carpenter Jimmy Carter to head up an official United Nations team of election observers from Rwanda, Brunei, Bosnia, and South Africa and send them to this state we call “Florida.” They are desperately needed to oversee the re-count, the hand-count, and any other forms of counting being conducted by people who apparently can count.

Remember that guy Milosevic in Yugoslavia trying to claim victory when he got the least number of votes? He would love Florida! Next to watching greyhound dogs run in circles, election fraud is South Florida’s favorite pastime. (I am enclosing, for your observer team, copies of the Miami Herald series on voter fraud which won the 1999 Pulitzer Prize.)

It appears on the surface that lame graphic design is at the root of this ballot problem, especially in Palm Beach County where Jewish votes were given to a man who always has a nice word to say about Third Reich.

But even more telling is the situation in the Daytona Beach area. In that county, the Socialist Workers Party candidate, James Harris, received a whopping 9,888 votes. When your observers arrive, they will discover that the socialist revolution in Daytona Beach is running a distant third to drunken college spring breaks and NASCAR racing. In fact, you will be hard-pressed to find a single Bolshevik in Daytona Beach, let alone a decent cappuccino.

What CBS News discovered is that these 9,888 votes in Daytona Beach for the socialist Mr. Harris represented more than half of his entire 19,310 votes nationwide! Some might see this a communist plot; election officials in Florida have tried to pass it off as a “computer glitch.” I call it fuzzy math.

You should know that the ruler of this disputed region of our country is the brother of the presidential candidate who is benefiting from these shenanigans, George W. Bush. He is already beginning to function as the “President-Elect,” even though he got fewer votes in the country than his opponent, Al Gore! The networks had reported that Gore won the state of Florida, but after the one Bush (the candidate) made a call to the other Bush (the governor of Florida), suddenly the Bush running for president was ahead.

This must sound very familiar to you. I know you have had to deal with “the relatives” before in places like Indonesia and The Congo, and, hey, who can blame them? Everyone wants to see family members do well. But in this case, the self-declared “President-Elect” is also the son of the former President who was dethroned by Gore and his running mate 8 years ago. Does any of this make sense? Would it help to know that the father of the “President-Elect” was also the head of the CIA? Just so you know what you are getting into.

If you look at the map of the U.S., Florida is the section that seems like it is about to drop off into the sea. It is a backwater area whose climate and topography — swamps, mosquitoes, unbearable humidity, reptiles everywhere — resembles much of the Third World. It is truly a scary place — ask any German tourist! It is the easiest state in which to buy guns in the United States. Prisoners are executed without the sort of due process you get in other parts of the world. According to your own UN report, more children are immunized in Jamaica than in Florida, and a baby has a better chance of living to see its first birthday if it is born in Cuba rather than Miami. Most of us just go there to get warm in the winter — and, for many, Arizona is looking better and better these days.

Please, Mr. Annan, you have to get here right away. The self-declared “President-Elect” is trying to stop the counting of the ballots. He knows what these ballots will reveal. His propaganda ministers have been lying to the American people for days now, saying things like “this kind of ballot is used everywhere, including in Chicago for Jesse Jackson’s son!” Our esteemed journalist, Ted Koppel, held up the Chicago ballot last night on TV to show that it looks nothing like the Florida ballot. He told the American people they were being snookered by the Bush people.

Mr. Secretary General, you are already at the UN in New York! Flights from NYC to Miami leave every 15 minutes! Mr. Carter is in the state right next to Florida! Stop by, pick him up, and tell him he may need at least his hammer, if not his nails.

If the state of Florida refuses to admit your international team of election observers, I implore the Security Council to impose economic sanctions against this place which calls itself “the Sunshine State.” The rest of us in America can no longer tolerate their rogue operations. Please remember this is the same state which earlier this year turned kidnapping into a legal sport when they refused to return a little Cuban boy to his father. We had to put up with that circus for nearly eight months.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. If this kind of thievery were happening in any other part of the world, we would have bombed the crap out of it by now. I am hoping for a peaceful resolution to this crisis and for the self-declared “President-Elect” to be returned to his box seat in Arlington, Texas.

I know you are the man to save us.

Michael Moore

P.S. Please note. This is not a partisan request on my part. I did not vote for Al Gore. In fact, I am currently in hiding, fearful for my safety, having voted for Ralph Nader. I am now being hunted down by liberals who, for the first time in years, have finally found something to get angry about. Any assistance your people can give me for safe passage back to Michigan will be greatly appreciated